Steven and I, along with our small group are going through a very convicting and soul searching book by Mark and Grace Driscoll titled; Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together. It is just that- REAL. It's not sugar coated, just for couples who's marriages are perfect or for delusional people who don't think marriages take work- it's for REAL people who are going through REAL struggles or looking how to improve their marriage, serve their spouse and serve their Lord.
Like I said- it's convicting. Throughout this study I have learned that as a wife to Steven, I am mediocre at best- sadly. This has caused me to examine my heart, examine my marriage and how I, as a wife contribute to our marriage...and let's be honest, I fall short.
This is not to say that I don't love my husband, on the contrary, I love him with my entire heart- with my entire being. Yet, 90% of the time my words are much louder than my actions and I come up short. One of the biggest themes I see in this book is service and how you can serve your spouse- oh how I lack. I am selfish and prideful and think that I deserve specific things and I let those things come between myself and serving my husband.
One of my absolutely favorite songs is titled Lead Me, I believe it is by Sanctus Real- one of my favorite (and most hated because it is the most convicting) lines is "Show what I could give up." I know that there is so much I could give up in order to serve my husband, yet I don't and because I don't I struggle. The prayer of my heart needs to truly to become a servant to my husband- now, before you get all crazy and women's rights all over me, if you know me, you know I'm a Christian and these are my beliefs. I don't believe that my husband is some how a deranged slave driver, that me makes me feel unworthy or that I am some now beneath him- it is quite the contrary. He is a wonderful and loving husband- but the true desires of my heart need to be to serve my Lord- which means I must also serve my husband.
I am the example of marriage and the example to my daughters of what a wife looks like. I want them to grow up to be wonderful goody women who love their husbands and have a healthy marriage, I must lead by a proper example. This doesn't just happen. It's not like, "Hello! I have arrived, I am the poster child of what a wife looks like!" In fact- it more like, "Lord help me, I'm absolutely struggling here- I don't want to be a do as I say, not as I do wife! I want to be a good example." As of late-I have been a terrible example.
I have hurt my husband with my words- both intentional and unintentional, I have disrespected him and cast his feelings aside, I have NOT been a servant in more ways that one- and I don't only mean by doing the laundry, cooking and cleaning- there are so many ways to be a servant.
Now- people will tell me, you're a wonderful wife. Maybe- in some ways I am. I work hard for my family and I do what I can. I sacrifice a lot of things in a lot of ways- I miss school plays, I miss date nights, I miss bath time and story time- because I work. I love my children more than worlds and pray for them- I am beyond blessed to be their mother. But in some ways, I'm a terrible wife... I have to be the first to admit that I do not daily pray for my husband- I fall short. A lot, and most of the time I quit praying for him and our marriage when it needs it to most- as if that were some sort of punishment. I can say I pray for him often- I don't think there is anything more intimate than putting my hand on his arm in the early hours of the morning and pouring my heart out to God about my husband. About how I love him so, how blessed I am to be his wife- his partner. How thankful I am for our lives and that he is the father of my children. How sad that I let any thing come in between myself and my prayer time for him. There is no one I am closer to and further away from all at the same time. I say this because I struggle as a wife- but struggle as it may be, I am not at all unhappy- ever- unsettled? Sometimes because I know that I could be so much more for my husband and my Lord. My prayer truly is this- and I have slacked on praying specifically for this.
The desired of my heart are not always acted upon- I want to have an intimate relationship with Christ, I want to love, serve and uplift my husband and I want to be a mother to my children that leaves them lacking nothing as far as a relationship is concerned. Marriages take work, you never "arrive". And this week, I have been convicted so deeply on so many levels when it comes to my relationship with my husband I have found myself not sure where to start...perhaps until I wrote this blog post. My completely random, unorganized ramblings. I can assure you this- they came from the deepest part of my heart.
I pray Lord- that you help me figure out how to take my convictions and change them into actions that I may better serve you and that in turn I may serve my beloved husband. I have never been more in love with him and I pray that you reveal yourself through all of this- that I may glorify you and bring my husband deep love and respect. I ask that you reveal to me where I am being selfish and what I could give up in order to serve my husband and serve you. I thank you for your convictions- how you grab my heart. I thank you for my husband, I am beyond blessed by him daily, I pray I can turn around and so the same. I ask your forgiveness for the wrongs I have selfishly and sinfully committed against my husband- for them I have no excuse other than selfishness and price- of which are not justification. I thank you Lord and I praise you. <3
H
Like I said- it's convicting. Throughout this study I have learned that as a wife to Steven, I am mediocre at best- sadly. This has caused me to examine my heart, examine my marriage and how I, as a wife contribute to our marriage...and let's be honest, I fall short.
This is not to say that I don't love my husband, on the contrary, I love him with my entire heart- with my entire being. Yet, 90% of the time my words are much louder than my actions and I come up short. One of the biggest themes I see in this book is service and how you can serve your spouse- oh how I lack. I am selfish and prideful and think that I deserve specific things and I let those things come between myself and serving my husband.
One of my absolutely favorite songs is titled Lead Me, I believe it is by Sanctus Real- one of my favorite (and most hated because it is the most convicting) lines is "Show what I could give up." I know that there is so much I could give up in order to serve my husband, yet I don't and because I don't I struggle. The prayer of my heart needs to truly to become a servant to my husband- now, before you get all crazy and women's rights all over me, if you know me, you know I'm a Christian and these are my beliefs. I don't believe that my husband is some how a deranged slave driver, that me makes me feel unworthy or that I am some now beneath him- it is quite the contrary. He is a wonderful and loving husband- but the true desires of my heart need to be to serve my Lord- which means I must also serve my husband.
I am the example of marriage and the example to my daughters of what a wife looks like. I want them to grow up to be wonderful goody women who love their husbands and have a healthy marriage, I must lead by a proper example. This doesn't just happen. It's not like, "Hello! I have arrived, I am the poster child of what a wife looks like!" In fact- it more like, "Lord help me, I'm absolutely struggling here- I don't want to be a do as I say, not as I do wife! I want to be a good example." As of late-I have been a terrible example.
I have hurt my husband with my words- both intentional and unintentional, I have disrespected him and cast his feelings aside, I have NOT been a servant in more ways that one- and I don't only mean by doing the laundry, cooking and cleaning- there are so many ways to be a servant.
Now- people will tell me, you're a wonderful wife. Maybe- in some ways I am. I work hard for my family and I do what I can. I sacrifice a lot of things in a lot of ways- I miss school plays, I miss date nights, I miss bath time and story time- because I work. I love my children more than worlds and pray for them- I am beyond blessed to be their mother. But in some ways, I'm a terrible wife... I have to be the first to admit that I do not daily pray for my husband- I fall short. A lot, and most of the time I quit praying for him and our marriage when it needs it to most- as if that were some sort of punishment. I can say I pray for him often- I don't think there is anything more intimate than putting my hand on his arm in the early hours of the morning and pouring my heart out to God about my husband. About how I love him so, how blessed I am to be his wife- his partner. How thankful I am for our lives and that he is the father of my children. How sad that I let any thing come in between myself and my prayer time for him. There is no one I am closer to and further away from all at the same time. I say this because I struggle as a wife- but struggle as it may be, I am not at all unhappy- ever- unsettled? Sometimes because I know that I could be so much more for my husband and my Lord. My prayer truly is this- and I have slacked on praying specifically for this.
The desired of my heart are not always acted upon- I want to have an intimate relationship with Christ, I want to love, serve and uplift my husband and I want to be a mother to my children that leaves them lacking nothing as far as a relationship is concerned. Marriages take work, you never "arrive". And this week, I have been convicted so deeply on so many levels when it comes to my relationship with my husband I have found myself not sure where to start...perhaps until I wrote this blog post. My completely random, unorganized ramblings. I can assure you this- they came from the deepest part of my heart.
I pray Lord- that you help me figure out how to take my convictions and change them into actions that I may better serve you and that in turn I may serve my beloved husband. I have never been more in love with him and I pray that you reveal yourself through all of this- that I may glorify you and bring my husband deep love and respect. I ask that you reveal to me where I am being selfish and what I could give up in order to serve my husband and serve you. I thank you for your convictions- how you grab my heart. I thank you for my husband, I am beyond blessed by him daily, I pray I can turn around and so the same. I ask your forgiveness for the wrongs I have selfishly and sinfully committed against my husband- for them I have no excuse other than selfishness and price- of which are not justification. I thank you Lord and I praise you. <3
H
Your thoughts and words come from your heart....I am in awe of you and your willingness to put this all out there.
ReplyDeleteOnly read the first few paragraphs and I am already tearing up. Straight to the heart, girl. Ugh. Prayer for you -- please pray for me too!
ReplyDelete